Okay, so, this is to keep myself accountable about writing regularly and record keeping without driving myself or my friends insane about dating stories. All names and personal details outside of my own have been changed, but iykyk LOL
Can you comfortably, if not, enthusiastically, leave your new beau alone with your friends and family?
Did I absolutely crash out and ask chatgpt to examine the chances of Fifi faking all of this? Yes, I absolutely did.
Confirmed-- my toxic avoidant attachmnent traits are oozing out of my pores and my initial instinct that he has a genuine and thoughtful nature was correct. Essentially, chatgpt confirmed that each of the dates and his communication have centered around creating an inviting space where I feel seen, heard, and comfortable.
I'm incredibly grateful that I'm at a point in my life where I recognize how important separation and space are at the start of any relationship. I absolutely cannot text regularly nor can I see the person more than twice a week. Otherwise, like clock work, I will have a hysterical melt down about the implications of a new beau. After a full 24 hours without seeing him or feeling kilig because he did something cute, I have resumed my normal life. I usually relish my time away from any new beau,using that time to return to my regular habits, but especially when I am becoming unreasonable.
My time driving to the gym and going through my PT exercises is exactly why I have this rule. As I was driving and treating my car like my own personal dance club, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. This feeling of freedom and true happiness was a somatic reminder as to why I have built my life so specifically in the last couple of years and why I can't fly away in the wind with these feelings, good or bad. I truly love my single life of solitude. My life has joy and levity in almost every fold of my day and I have worked for every bit of that. It's because of this that I can't readily spend my time thinking of him and the possible outcomes. I also can't turn to dating more people merely because of my desire to run away from feelings of insecurity. In reality, I just want to enjoy time to myself as I have in the past 3 years. Also, in the spirit of optimism, if I am truly scared by all of the signs pointing to him being a potential partner, it also means that I may not be single again for a long while or maybe ever again. So, even then, I should savour these fleeting momements of single-dom.
Other things that helped me: M saying that "all men will hurt you, it might as well be the one that you really like", watching my vlog from last summer about the diffculty of completely removing the reminents of long term relationships, and remembering my motto of "to be seen"
I looked up to see an attrative man with the most endearing, gentle smile, and felt my nerves start to slip away.
Fav Topics: our transition from rule followers to full on chaotic-good folks
I cannot fathom that I am already feeling that sleepy lover girl coma with him.
It was endearing to see him try so hard on his painting. My initial assumption was that he would be incredibly carefree and goofy about the class.
I was completely wrong.
He was trying so hard that he forgot about his wine,sighing at each new step, even occasionally falling behind. After a while, he relaxed and I started sighing away about my finishing touches. (p.s. he's a taurus)
We even went to one of my favorite Filipino restaurants! I loved sharing the food with him and also getting to ask more hot seat questions about relationships. We talked about our dating history, thoughts on drugs, what we've judged each other about (LOL), personality types, intercultural dating, if we've had a type, which seventh deadly sin we're the most guilty of.
I lost a bit of my playful approach after realizing how interested I am in him, but I've remembered that it's one of life's greatest pleasures to learn about the little things in a new person.
The fear of how a relationship could change my life also set in. Thankfully, I was reminded that I've intentionally looked for a new partner whose characteristics and lifestyle can complement and grow with my own.
Note to Self: need to ask him to teach me how to surf!! silly goose, these are the kinds of things you would love to do with a partner
We're now in a consistent rhythm and he's seen some of the non-glamorous portions of my personality and is still here. So I'm finally at a point where I've accepted that a man now regularly occupies a space in my life.
For how long? Who knows 🤷🏻♀️ It's just my current reality.
Truly thankful thats he took the time to communicate even during a hard week for him. it does so much for my anxious attachment tendencies. Also I can totally tell that I'm getting comfortable with him bc I'm kind of looking forward to annoying him next week
Okay nvm, crashing out a little bc i feel like he's going to ghost me
06.25.25 ---- Nvm, its just my anxious attachment. Bb is literally going through it with his family and so am I. We deserve that irreplaceable honeymoon phase and not settling for the little energy that we can cobble together right now. Definitely willing to wait so we can enjoy dates full of laughter and mischief. P.S. Truly losing my mind and praying that this is the last man bc I almost went to church to pray about this today LMAO. I am also annoyed at him because 1) give the other men a fighting chance. Why take me on my own hometown date and then follow-up with my dream date?! 2) I am peeved that, YOU, my friends have already mounted your horses in his defense. You haven't even met this man yet!! You're supposed to be my friends!!
06.24.25 Okay nvm, crashing out a little bc I feel like he's going to ghost me
06.25.25 ---- Nvm, its just my anxious attachment. Bb is literally going through it with his family and so am I. We deserve that irreplaceable honeymoon phase and not settling for the little energy that we can cobble together right now. Definitely willing to wait so we can enjoy dates full of laughter and mischief. P.S. Truly losing my mind and praying that this is the last man bc I almost went to church to pray about this today LMAO. I am also annoyed at him because 1) give the other men a fighting chance. Why take me on my own hometown date and then follow-up with my dream date?! 2) I am peeved that, YOU, my friends have already mounted your horses in his defense. You haven't even met this man yet!! You're supposed to be my friends!!
06.29.25 ---- Okay, so everyone was right, he was not ghosting me. He messaged a week later and was engaged about my updates and expressed his appreciation of the time/space that I gave him (kind of hate how that's phrased because everyone deserves that kind of love and it's not something that should be given or taken away by others)
What I found most interesting was my determination to give him that space despite my struggles with my anxious attachment. I would have rather gone to church and pray (its been years since I've done this for myself) or listen to a dhamma before interrupting bb's peace of mind. I can't tell if this is because of my personal determination to grow out of anxious attachment and foster a healthy romantic foundation or because he reallys makes me want to be better or a combination of both.
I have obviously had my own struggles and growth with my anxious attachment -- from my anxiety attacks after arguments with NY to tumultuous spirals because of goy. After NY, I set a new precedent --if I start becoming someone I don't recognize, then I must accept its not the relationship for me. With goy, I learned that just because I can continue to be myself outside of the turmoil, does not mean it's a relationship I should accept. After those two, I promised myself that I would take a gentler and slower pace that would allow the necessary time to be introspective about my instinctual anxious attachment reactions. So, in part, that's why I'm taking the time to listen to more dhammas, to write this blog, to go to the gym, to write notes for Miss R, and do literally anything else than prematurely disturb bb's peace.
I also promised myself that I would try to find someone who doesn't bring out those anxious traits unnessarily. For this, I've tried to use my new perspective of "would my friends and family love this person for me?" Honestly, it might have been one of my greatest epiphanies. I know it seems tired and old, but this works especially for me because I am unbelievably lucky to have the people that I have. *DISCLAIMER: THE NEXT PART IS SO CHEESY I WANT TO PUT MYESLF ON TIME-OUT* All of bb's words and actions affirms that this was the exact decision I needed to make for myself. He has been a steady follow of thoughtfulness, kindness, communication, and humor. The way that he communicates with openness and gentleness reassures my little heart. Inevitably, my dumb little heart already wants to be better for him (about my anxious attachment) because I know that bb deserves that and that's the what I want to give him.
06.30.25 my new delusional coping mechanism so I don't have to deal with anxious attachment tendencies: remind myself that my fifi (my fiance) is someone out there (whether its this guy or another guy down the road) and this stress just isn't worth it
Ughhh why does this step-back low key make me appreciate him more sfhsfgakjbflkabkjabflkaf.
We had a really good check-in call -- full of empathy and thoughtfulness and genuine care. We both got to ask each other how we're coping and took our time just catching up. I was so grateful that I could reassure him about taking time to himself, that for anyone in my life I don't want them to feel guilty about taking care of themselves and that I was also thankful for that time to process. He thanked me and said I was thoughtful for thinking of him in that way. He added that it was "honestly a breathe of fresh air" to hear this during our call and to know that I was coming from a genuine place.
We both talked about the aspects of our lives that are getting us through this season (for him, work, and for me, working out). I appreciated that he encouraged me to add one more thing to look forward to and I got to open up to him about my motto (if I'm breathing, walking, and laughing, then life's pretty good).
He asked where I was at with things and I said "the most authentic approach for me would be to say let's leave some room for life and for us to deal with that, but, also to say, I appreciate spending time with you and would like to do it without the insane pressure of life and our schedules and rearranging them to see each other. I'd like to see you when its a good time for both of us." He said he agreed and even made sure to add "...on all parts" LOL. We love a affirming king who knows I might need to explicitly hear that. I told him, "If I know one thing about us, it's that we love to yap and have good food so I would always be down to do that again." He let out a hardy laugh as soon as I mentioned yapping. I really liked hearing his laugh, especially knowing it was because of me. He admitted to almost saying "yeah, lets reconvene after we've had some time" and acknowledged it sounded like work place language. I couldn't help but tease him and brought up the korean fried chicken spot I've wanted to show him (he lovessssss fried chicken LOL). I told him after Zion, at some point, if I'm craving some fried chicken and if life's a little crazy then I'll hit him up to see if he's down. He agreed to this and we spent the rest of the call yapping about our upcoming trips.
P.S. I like hearing his voice. Before this call, I didn't realized how much I appreciated hearing his laugh and the way that I can hear how much he cares just through his voice. Also, thank god he agreed to call. I seriously need him to get on board with the calling thing LMAO
Overall though, I think my friend, Krystal, was right. Whirlwind romances are nice, but there's also something great about a slower pace that allows for two people to see how they genuinely fit into each other's lives.
its insane to think about how much emotional work this experience is forcing me to do. it almost makes me dizzy with nausea. In all of my dating, this is the only man whose communcation style works with mine
so many parts of me want to run away from loving again, but I'm forced to ask myself what am I running away from? Am I running away from learning how to sit with my feelings, to learn to deeply trust and optimistically open up to love again? honestly, yes, that is what I am doing, because his actions have *only* signaled that I can trust him.
I'm also learning to accept that even if the person I'm not dating isnt my "the one", learning how to do the emotional work means that I'm learning for my future hubs and he does deserve the best version of me.
metaphor for myself: I want to build a relationship in the same way that I bake a chiffon cake. Slowly folding the other person into a life that is already rich and vice versa
I truly believe hubs is somewhere out there, I've just realized its not business when he decides to show up